Life Happened

whaoooo



just whao




its been a while




whaooo

Ranting at work

Today I woke up feeling out of place. I felt like having a shower, I had not eaten in three days except for the odd bubble gum and fizzy drink. Despite all this I couldn’t bring myself to leave the bed. I stared at the ceiling for hours, thoughtful of my thoughtlessness, considering the inconsiderable and longing for the longing to achieve something.

Have I become stagnant or have I just come to the age where you realise there isn’t much to life but the same mundane pursuits. You want to live comfortably or lavishly without working too hard. You want to fall in love and have a sweet relationship with that cute other half without sacrificing any part of yourself.

Well guess what my lovely, it’s not happening. I earn more than I work yet I earn less than I want. I have become independent just like I wanted and YES it sucks. I hate when royal mail drops the bundle of letters through the pigeon hole because I dread seeing the bills. I hate when I have to work four nights in a row and can even be home to enjoy the comforts am paying for.

You see my pictures on facebook and you think dammit; I want to be where she is, everything looks good. Yes life is good but we pay a steep price for it. Now God willing I don’t know where I am going to be next year but I know where I am at the moment; working the night away.

Having had a mild ranting which I can’t even say whether I was been negative or positive I must affirm how happy I am to have concluded my masters irrespective of the fact that I wrote the last two chapters the night before I was to submit, my burst of adrenaline haven come a bit too late. I am impressed with myself for passing all courses even though I had to practically beg and insinuatingly threaten the academic institution for the last two marks to pass statistics. It wasn’t like I was going to do better if they made me do it again anyway.

Well that’s it for me this year probably. Wish you all the best in 2011. Have fun and lots of sex if you are not, there is no need to be prudish not that I will be taking my own advice. Remember in whatever situation you find yourself make the best of it. My twitter handle is “i_am_wendie”, if you want to follow my daily ramblings and cussing. See you when I see you.

Blogville...

Where is everyone...its summertime and we should be in the seaside.. If you are ever around Portsmouth..holla at me and let me give you a good time...musco come on..

LAS GIDI XMAS

off to las gidi for xmas..cant wait..what and where is it happening please?

OHMIGOD

I totally forgot i had a blog..myyyy..aaw sorry blog n blogville..You would think having a consistent and up-in-your-face internet service will remind me of the joys of posting* and reading comments from other users of blogville.

My fellow blog-villains.. How is it going?

please holla at me to let me know if you have forgotten me(lol).

Thank you doll for checking up on me..na acada...i have totally marshed line. From B.A English to Business and Management, i have overstepped my boundary.

Musco its time to come back....

R.I.P 'Birthday Mate'

It was with dismay, that I woke up this morning to the passing on of a legend..King of PoP..Micheal 'Birthday Mate' Jackson..he was a controversial figure to say the least but his music was an inspiration and his dance steps a fashion trend..I daresay God is making some harsh judgements right now..but the guy for chill small make we go auto lounge together on our birthday...
In my own way..rest easy black n white..I will pop a bottle of champagne for you on august 29 and maybe moonwalk a little to commemorate a day we shared but never shared..

The CHRONICLES of The Adventures of the THREE chic-ateers

DREADY PINKY

Today been the last day in the month of May..for no reason I decided to have fun..

D month has really been hectic and it wasn't easy at all..I was at our country home and a couple of my friends were at home too..meet PINKY and DREADY(yeah dats wat dey really are)..one has ultra pink lips and d other has locks even I can't seem to decipher whether she was born with it or got it..whichever it really fits her..

PINKY's dad was doing his birthday/retirement party and i drove down with DREADY to there own country side..it was fun cos DREADY was fighting with her bobo and she kept on urging me to overtake him but I didnt keeping in mind "Jan3rd"..

D party was cool right, but my gist starts from after..we left PINKY.

I and DREADY decided to hang out at a popular hotel close to home..we got there..had to escape the catcalls of some irritating caucasians and then endure the sight of some chunky human specimen waddling in the pool just to chill at the poolside..

There were three chics dere who caught my interest..One was in the pool without a proper bikini which my friend commented on..i laughed but not loudly cos it was kinda obvious and I didnt want to look like a snob..Another one was downing a bottle of Udeme. Green toe paints that matched nothing on her.The third was wearing an evening gown and had a black eye..yes.. a black eye..my friend was shocked..

Obviously, it was time to leave before we get mistaken for their class..bone snobbery..am not hanging like dat..unfortunately, green paint and evening gown had gotten ahead of us..

As i drove out of the premises, they both raised their hands soliciting for a ride,i braked sharply and reversed..DREADY was like "are u mad?"I said "babe,I wan know wetin bash dat gal for eye"..

Gbam Gbam, they entered the back.. gosh d smell was horrible, I couldn't even begin a conversation..I increased the music and told them where i was going to drop them...

DREADY asked my why again..and dat was when it happened..Evening gown squeezed into the middle and asked my friend why she didnt want me to drop them at home and she caressed DREADY's arm..DREADY shook her hand off and it landed on my mine.my esteemed right hand..i almost lost my grip on the steering..

I was repulsed..that over bleached hand on mine..i shook it off too and accelerated..she and green paint passed a look that I saw in the mirror..i screeched to a stop..

PLease get down, am not taking you further than this..Green paint got down, but Evening gown lingered..she looked me in the eye and said.."Aren't you going to take my number"..I cringed.

NO, NOW GET OUT!

DREADY immediately started swearing which was unlike her..i turned around and drove home..i couldn't get into the shower fast enough..for the first time i shared a shower with my friend cos nobody could wait for the other..i had broken out in goose bumps..i was repulsed..i scrubbed my arm raw..when i was thru i went to PINKY's house and related the story to her..she listened quietly and at the end shouted..

Aah, E gbe ASHEWO..(trans: you carried prostitutes).

Was she just trying to roll with us?

Did she think we were lesbians?

Or was she just been friendly?

And what is the world turning too?

Still H*O*R*N*Y

In d present condition i am.
i couldn't help but scroll through my phone book.
thinking of who could be my booty call if things got too bad.
and then i remembered.
oh my weepy baby.
from when i met him some years ago.
the only problem i had with him was the fact that he could outcry me.
d first day we met: he cried
d first day we kissed:he wailed
d first day he climaxed:he sobbed
any thing apart from that he had my pass mark.

***********************************************************


The location is just convenient.
as he stays in my neighborhood.
its not as if he is charismatic.
or that i can take him home.
but he could suck a storm up.
and after i had tutored him.
he doesn't kiss so much with his saliva.
i knew if it got too bad, i could always count on him.
to give me anyway i wanted.
cos he has a listening ear.
and a fondness for doing it the way i wanted.

************************************************************


So i picked my phone.
fortunately his numbers were still there.
i mashed the green button down.
and it almost became a video call.
i cautioned my voice.
you must not sound horny.
hello. he said.
and this judas down there.
went into over drive.
i mean gear1 straight to 5.
hi. nee.
how are you doing?
i said.
Oh baby. he replied.
have been good.
but you were wrong not to call me back.

***********************************************************


**FLASHBACK**


I remembered d last time i called.
i hid my number.
he said he was in church(my weepy brother in the lord)
but i didn't call him back cos i didn't feel horny.

**BACK TO PRESENT**


Jo ma binu. i said.
but you sef no try.y do u always lose my number.
bla bla bla bla..his usual pathetic story.
while my credit burnt away.
ok,ok,ok,ok
long and short.

************************************************************


So when next are you going to be around.i asked.
I will check you up tomorrow.
and my judas screamed for joy.
i wonder if getting a head is not going to ruin my celibacy.
OR IS IT?.
I should be able to give him one too.
SHOULDN'T I?.
but then he went into a realm i dint expect.
Parrot, u know i love you.


*****************************



***SILENCE**

******************************

Parrot!
Hello!
Parrot!


***SHIT***


Even judas kept quiet.
cos it knows i don't like the "L" word.
Lust i can take.
but Love,most definitely not.

************************************************************


Hello hello.
look nee. call me back later.
something just came up.
i couldn't get off the phone fast enough.

************************************************************


P.S- was that too long?

P.S.S- malaria actually doesn't erase lust.

P.S.S.S- and Happy easter gone.


*************************************************************

Am soooooooooo H*o*r*n*y

i know its been a long time since i blogged but seriously i need help.
i know my mother did not raise me up to start acting like dis.
evrytime i walk past a fine dude.
i cant help but sigh.
i scope his torso and butt.
am a sucker for a tight bum anyday.
but what gives me concern is dat.
now i go as far as checking out d crotch size.
Am so horny nowadays i can't think straight.
Every romance novel i read leaves me hungry.
every love scene a lesson in wetness.
i just hope its a phase that passes.
because if i act on what my coochie is telling me.
am going to fuck myself blind.
my mother spent too long giving me talks.
and have kept myself for too long to sucumb.
but for now.
am dealing with my groin-searching eyes.
and spending more time in church.
saying dear Lord please wipe all fine boys.
from my vicinity and give my pussy the grace.
to know when to breathe.
and when to clench.

Back with a double dilemma

even though you have not asked I am hale and hearty and still searching for a guy that can bring my emotions under control...dats a roundabout way of saying I was alone on vals day..terrific..now i have nothing to write except to lament my single state...
The truth is i have met two terrific guys..One is yoruba and the other Edo..long nd short..they are different in evry way..
*complexion
*finances
*height
*ambition
*charisma
One cries the other doesnt and you know how much i hate tears in a man but he is so cute ..
One is my tender age and the other matured..and ladies you know the age mate boyfriend is never ready when you are to go to the next level..but the one my age is my tribe and that counts for a lot because my parents are tribalists and will not allow me to marry outside my tribe..
I call one silentnight and the other endurance(for what he suffered in the hands of his ex-gal)
Holla at me if you think i have just reason to be concerned about tribal differences..i have already lost husband-material cos he is igbo and when i mentioned it to my father jokingly he almost had a heart attack..

Jan 3rd, 2009

"Avoid your first accident, it may be your last" is a favorite quote of my dad when he started teaching me how to drive. I had been on the wheels since 2001 and managed to drive the express and conquer lagos hazardous driving but nothing prepared me for what happened to me on january 3rd 2009.. Maybe i have gone lax and overconfident,yeah i know have always had a problem slowing down,preferring to go fast where and when i could but this day i wasn't going fast because for some reason my alignment was off and my car had the shakes..Maybe if I had spent more than five minutes on my knees in church on new year eve i might have seen what would come alas i spent a few hours prior to 2009 hanging out with friends and downing regular shots of Amarula,..it was the increment in the intensity of the bangers that alerted us to the fact that the coming year was around the corner and off we dashed to make our last 10 minutes count..5 of which was spent asking for forgiveness for the revelry to come in the morning after...
Anyway, back to my gist, My friend just called me out of the blues that she was passing through my town and she had to see me..Dis is my home gal that i had not seen since we left school and i thot whao i gast to see this girl..so i abandoned my mother in the kitchen,ran to my room and threw my 'drop dead gorgeous' shirt on and of course tha accompanying blings (if only..) I grabbed my keys and barely spared a second to tell my mum where i was going..if i had taken a minute more maybe..Anyway i zoomed out and faced the express thinking to bypass the traffic in the metropolis..When i attained my gear five i realised the car was shaking,i managed to overtake the car in front of me and then controlled the car, i was paying attention to the road,oncoming traffic and getting back to gear four when the bike in front of me decided to turn around..in a blink of eye..G*B*A*M..
"Jesus" "Jesus" "Jesus" that was all i could scream out..i had hit him with the left side of my car and he went flying across the road,his bike scattered and he was lying down with his bleeding..the oncoming vehicle had to swerve to my side to avoid crushing him..i parked immediately and the other man got out of his vehicle too..in a jiffy they had gathered.passers by,commuters and other bike-men..i was scared i was going to be lynched..The first three things that came to my mind was:
1.My parents will never believe I wasn't speeding when it happened
2.Could i bear it if I had killed a man
3.Oh shit, a dent on my bonnet
They carried him to the side of my car and put him on the floor,i opened my front door and told them to put him in that i was going to take him to the hospital,but the man refused and told me to take him to A division that he is a police officer..in my mind i thought shit..now i have to call my big guns..but i thot let me get this guy to the hospital first..tat head was bleeding some.. On my drive to the hospital,i realised 3 things again
1.He was seriously drunk and trying to sleep,which could be a sign of concussion
2.My car is just slightly bruised and am not even shaking
3.He had no helmet on,if he had there would have been no injury..
All well and good,immediately i got to the hospital,he was taken to the emergency room and examined by the doctors,the first question they asked him was that "Were you wearing a helmet?" he said "no" they told me to get him a card and pay so so so amount..(my faaji money)and that i could go..i paid the bills but by then I had called my parents who then called my uncle from SSS to handle the situation since he said he was a police officer..to cut it short..when my uncle came i went home and the rest was hearsay..my uncle said after they stitched his head, he told him he was SSS and asked the bike man for his police I.D and what division he belonged to? No answer..When my uncle went to get a doctor's report saying he had no helmet on and was drunk when brought him, he went back to the emergency room but couldn't find the bike man again.
P.S- Be careful when driving this year. They will be riding anyhow trying to escape the F.R.S.C cos of the helmet law. Mine may have absconded, yours may become a liability to you...but you can bet am going a lot less faster than before.thank you for your concern..i wasn't mobbed and am happy i dint lose my bling..my mum won't let me touch her car though in the interim while mine is at the panel beaters,but i swear he didnt point or wave his hand,he just swerved...

New Year Shout out

Writer's block or should i say bloggers block..since i have nothing to write..yeah life has been that boring..i will say..
Musco
Chari
Buttercup
Doll
parakeet
Abuja maiden
Solomonsydelle
mizchif
danny bagucci
parrot sef
Happy new year..Bawo ni everybody..sha'lafia le wa

10 Ys'

10 Whys'

Why is it easier to scratch mtn's 400 and 750 naira recharge cards while the 200 naira for poor people like me gets mangled if you so much as scratch it with a fingernail?

Why must dreadlocked people sit beside you and try their best to get their filthy heads close to yours?

Why have guys forsaken good old romance and try to skip straight from meeting you to banging you?

Why do ladies like embracing stupid fashion trends-talk about the latest close cut weave on style with something in the side of your head in a different colour that looks like a flower sprouting and the high waist jeans that is obviously not for everyone?

Why does Obama look even more handsome now that he is the President- Elect of the United States of America?

Why are some Nigerians acting like they have something to do with his been elected and that means automatic admission into the states for Africans?

Why oh why am I scared of sex?

Why do i think of hellfire and the life after in the night?

Why do i resolve to be a better person in the night, to watch my language and yet wake up cursing whatever woke me up?

Why the hell do people act so pious in church when we know where and what some are up to after church?

becoming a woman pt2-my first kiss

Many remember their first kiss with a shiver,feelings of nostalgia or disgust.. I remember mine with a shudder..5 yrs older than me,he shouldnt have taken advantage of my lack of exposure..i was seeking admission into the same school where he was studying medicine..he wasn't even fly or all that well-dressed considering that they were rolling in dough. He took me like a little sister and i saw him as a big brother..if only i had known(sorry this is beginning to sound morbid, but it was that bad). He was the most clueless,least handsome and richest of all the boys that used to roll in my estate(we don leave razz hood by then).
He had one cute mazda like this and we use to roll a little together..there wasn't much to see in town then..just hang a little here and there..drive here and there and den go back home..did i fail to mention that he stayed 3 houses away from me..Anyway we would drive into his house,pack the car and he ll secure the dogs so i could come down..at times i will go in and see a movie or just go home straight..
This fateful day,ti mo nwi, he buzzed me and told me to come over that he had something to discuss about my admission and sturvs..even though he knew naught about how i was handling my admission,i decided to go and hear what he might have to say,afterall he had been there for close to four years..when i got to his place,i chilled in the parlour as usual,(so u won't say wetin i go find for im room)..he came out from the shower i guess cos he had a towel around his neck and he was in his boxer short..which was a pretty normal sight to me,haven grown up with four senior brothers..
He sat next to me and was like "yeah you have to be quick about this admission so that we can be rolling together in school" I was like "Egbon tani mo tun fe roll pelu" meaning "Brother, who else do i want to roll with"..he was now like "fi yen le"(leave all that),je ko ye e pe mo feran e"(understand that i love you" . my mind just went blank with shock,it was as if my uncle or some old man was asking me out.
I guess my mouth snapped open cos the next thing i knew his saliva was all over the place..his tongue was in my mouth and he was practically brushing or should I say flossing my mouth..I had not kissed before so I didnt know what the ideal kiss should be like but I knew this was definitely off.slimey,salivery and tonguey..it lasted for barely 5 seconds before i regained my senses..5 seconds i could have picked a virus up or something..5 seconds any grand illusion of how romantic a first kiss should be was shattered..
I felt violated..
My lips had been disflowered by this ogre and it wasn't even an experience to savor but a nightmare.I was just 16yrs and I had no one to talk to been the only gal and the last child...my female cousin's were a bit of the fire and brimstone type and i didn't see any help coming from there..but they say "when a door closes a window opens"..what opened within that week wasn't just a window..it was a huge gate opening..but thats another part you know..anyhoo i got out of that house as fast as my legs could take me..i did give him another chance to redeem himself in my 2nd year but i realised "his leopard never change skin" it was still a shower and flossing kiss..and me i no fit date person wey no fit kiss so i started avoiding him since then..we still see on the street once in a while but its always 'hello' 'hi'
..but till this day i still shudder at the horror of that kiss.

Becoming a woman pt1- A series of my quests and adventures

"D way to a man's heart is through his stomach!" I can still hear my Gran squeaking into my Aunt's ears. "yeah right" Like we don't know better..The way to a man's heart is through his manhood...
I grew up looking much like a washboard so I came into my sexuality pretty late. For long, I had actually thought I had a thing for girls like me. I went to an all-girls boarding school and for some reasons, the girls thought i looked like a boy and treated me as such. I was always fun and humuorous so they all wanted to chill with me..My corner was always filled like crazy, i never worried about what to eat cos the seniors took care of me, i didnt quit understand what drew people to me..even now i still can't fathom.
Now when I look back am always amazed,amused and grateful for my naivete..amazed i could have been so blind, amused at all the antics back then and grateful because if I had known better I may have sinned..the seniors must have known i didnt know jack cos they left me out of all the crazy things that used to go on back then in the boarding house.. I knew next to nothing about guys, sex and the female anatomy. Growing up in a razz neighbourhood, i remember we used to poke our fore-finger into our fist to indicate the sexual act. I knew what the d*** was and I knew I had a P****. I knew they were supposed to go into each other and as far as I was concerned that was about it.How little did I know.The breast to me,wasn't even part of the whole game and kissing was a concept I had gleaned from the romance novels I had breathed in. Anything else was hear-say.
The first petals of desire began to unfurl in me the first time I was playing with my brother's friend.It was rough play.I was 13 and he was 14 and both of us weren't much to write home about in timesof physical development.. I didn't have pimples but he had to show you how bad he must have looked then. "give me my novel or i ll grab your ****" i shouted at him: "I dare you" he shouted right back.. I grabbed, he grabbed and we both went hard. My n****, his ****. I felt a little dampness between my legs and I though "what in heavens just happened".. It wasn't a deliberate thing because he looked as shocked as I felt. We removed our hands from each other, he gave me back my novel and left immediately..that was the first and last time i a guy will ever touch me and leave just like that.
For a very long time after that,say for four years,I kept to myself and seriously became aware of a lot of things. I read vicariously and now all the mills and boons I had been reading started to make a lot of sense.It gave me more of a worldly look than i was entitled to.I became brash and outspoken and the quiet 'me' never resurfaced. I would gather girls around me and i wil give them a lecture on what to expect. To them I was a veritable fountain of information, even though I knew I wasn't going near all that shit for a very long time, I would exaggerate the pains of been deflowered and play down on the sexual fulfillment they claimed came after. I covered my fear of sex with a loud mouthed discourse on everything raw and dirty. If there was an argument or disagreement over something remotely sex related,I was the lady with the answers...to be continued

TEE..My actual first love

I had "D dream" again..it's pretty scary cos dere has never been and there is still no indication that it will ever happen..
I first noticed TEE in my 300l in school..I used to go and play lawn-tennis almost every other evening and he used to come and play volley ball. I admit i was drawn to the court initially because of all those fit,muscular and sweaty male torso flying all over the place..The two courts been adjacent to each other..but gradually as I was not getting any better at lawn tennis..I was encouraged to change over to volleyballing..
It wasn't a simple transition..it wasn't as easy as it looked..infact,as much of a tomboy as I was:gettin hit regularly by the ball in the name of spiking and blocking wasn't my best idea of sport or staying fit..but I was determined to learn..At that point,I must have been the creamiest gal on court cos I had a bevy of followers always seeing me off to the hostel or trying to..but TEE was never one them..this was the first time that I was attracted to a guy and he wouldn't even look at me or smile at my antics..it was hellish..
At first, i stayed away from the court thinking: he isn't even all that cream and tall sef..but later the fighter in me made me go back to court and start working on him..i fell on him..pushed him..said hi and did everything I could without embarrassing myself, just to get his attention and finally I did..he started talking to me cos his friend wanted to toast me but I made it a clear competition as i dictated my number to both of them..but when his friend called I warned him severly not to call me again,while i encouraged TEE to let us txt chat..
That was how we became friends..we got to know each other and it was always fun knowing that after he saw me off ,his messages will start coming in..he started playing much more better on court(i think he was showing off for me or my infatuation made him seem better)..I started missing some evening classes just to go see him and I think that's when my g.p dropped..
Then one dark,nepaless n windy night in my room...we kissed..GBAO GBAO SWSIHH GBRAGER...It was electric,thunderous and explosive............................................a minute of silence to remember that kisss....................................................I mean he is your typical, sporty nerd..he had never been to a party talk less of a club but he could dismantle a laptop in less than 10 minutes...My world was shaken..I mean I expected a clumsy and somewhat soggy kiss but it wasn't to be...He was not too worldly too so we kissed for close to an hour:thirty minutes..for me thats a huge record cos am not particularly fond of mouth to mouth resuscitation..That was how we became kiss buddies..
At that time,I was so full of myself and thought I was all that..I mean if I wanted anyone I was sure I could get him..I had a toaster at that point..his name..MUY..he was serving in Asaba and he seemed my type..at times he would call when I was with TEE and I would free my lips and pick the call..usually the call ended with "I miss u to", "Can't wait to see you"and yes "I like you too"(I can't stand d word "love")..Anyway.all these while,I never knew it was affecting TEE, the way I was saying all those things..but since he never actually asked me out and knew about MUY,i felt he was ok with been kiss buddies..
We kept this new status hidden from our fellow volleyballing mates and individual friends..mainly because I insisted..by this time we were in 400l,2nd semester and I was already thinking ahead to what will happen after school..he didnt seem like he would feature in the nearest future..distance and ambition was bound to tear us apart..so I decided to ease away gradually...It didn't really hurt at that time but later I felt it cause I realised that you don't know what you have got till its gone..
Our friendship became stilted..we would talk..for a long time we won't..i went through a series of phone loss and i am not good at memorising numbers..he would call and I would say who is this? he would get angry that I had deleted his number..no matter what I said I would sound like I was lying..That was when I first had the dream...
That first time, i kept it to myself...the second time,i told a friend she laughed...the third time ,I told him and he said am I serious..in a mockingway..but this morning it happened again after we have not been in touch for sometime..and hours after..a message came in..
THE MESSAGE
TEE:- Hi...hw ur day?(5naira)
PAR:- Fine.urs?(5 naira)
TEE:- Aite...where u @(5 naira)
PAR:-AK bt off 2 lagos 2moro(was expecting an invitation at this point)(5 naira)
TEE:- K...safe trip then.Jst chekn up on u.Sleep tait(5 naira)
PAR:-(shocked bt wit pride intact) Thanks.I appreciate it.(5 naira)
30Naira and my dream was shattered again..I could smell the indifference..as if he was just trying to do his part in keeping in touch....
You are probably wondering where I am going to with this jargon..I just have to get this off my mind..I know TEE may never read this (hiccup) , may already have someone else (wailing now)...I am too proud to tell him like this(hiccup) but I DO LOVE YOU (huge sob) and
AM SORRY..
1.sorry for not seeing what a gem you are..
2.sorry for not respecting the love you had for me..
3.sorry for forgetting your number..
4.sorry for throwing your care away..
5.sorry for all the times i didn't keep in touch..
6.sorry for all the times i said "love" in front of you and not to you..
7.sorry for not taking you to your first party as I promised..
8.sorry for letting my stupid pride get in my way
9.sorry for the times I was not there for you
10.sorry, for I keep having this dream,that one day I will walk down the aisle to meet you***

%Types of Men on Lagos Street..

At 11:30pm, after taking a can of POWER HORSE that I stole from under my brother's bed(not a creative hiding place is it?), I find i couldn't sleep and nothing will calm me but a spot of writing..what is there to write? About dumb relationships..guys you shouldn't even have given your number or the good ones you let go away..In my 23 years, I have seen a lot and I may not have much experience or stories to tell but I am a good listener..I especially have a friend who loves to talk about hers' and other people's relationships and sex life especially when she is a little tipsy or exceptionally drunk..In all this I have come to my own conclusion of a few of the type of guys that exist now in the streets..signify if you see your ex or boyfriend here oh and to the guys if you find yourself on this list..

1.Weepy and emotional-he is the type that thanks you for the kisses or the sex,whichever the case maybe..he doesn't ever blame himself for any problem in the relationship..he always claims not to have much experience and you can make him a better person..But even after 3 years, he still crying when it suits him..either after a climax or when accused of something.His dreams are always lofty for you,we ll travel, buy you a good car, get you a swell job so you can have some pocket change..but months after you are still asking him to help you pass your cv round..he has the connections but who is he gonna cry on when you get all busy and shit,so you can be sure that job is not forthcoming.

2.The guy from the club-maybe its just me, but have never heard anything good from couples who hooked up in the club..you lady are dressed up in your fine skimpy skirt or bumshot as it suits you..with your-barely-covering-shit-top and your excessive makeup as if anyone can really see it under that horrible disco light..anyway this guy dressed to the nine,walks up to you asks you for a dance, offers you a drink and then you are all over him in the spirit of the song..songs like "pretty pussy","lick it ****" you know those type of songs that have you going down and packing it back up with your behind..you have got the guy against the wall having a taste of what he hasn't paid for..and when he offers to take you home you don't mind..he drops you off gets your number and you think whao!!he may be the one..hmm if your daylight look doesn't scare him and he comes back, he is only there to finish what you started..

3.The ones with the cars-no gal i repeat no lady..fine in her own right has not had a car stop beside her with the same pickup line
Dude:- " where are you heading towards?"
Fine gal:- "just down the road"
Dude:- "Can I drop you?"
Fine gal:- (gradually walking) "no thanks, am really not going far"
Dude:- "but I can drop you"
Fine gal:- "Am sure you are busy,not to worry"
Dude:- (wheedling) "but a fine gal like you should not be walking under this sun/rain"
Fine gal:-(yeah right) "Hmm" But no thanks
Dude:-(sighs)"Can I have your number then, I am Alaigboran, Ceo of Alaigbaran and Sons limited"
Fine gal:-(with phone in plain sight)"I just lost my set"
Dude:- "but!!"
Fine gal:-(scathing look and moving faster now)
Dude:- "ok! ok!!..here is my complimentary card,you can get me on any of my four numbers.
Fine gal:-(flings into her bag without a second look) "Sure"
Dude:- "Are you sure I can't drop you?"
Fine gal:- "Don't you get? What part don't you get? Am okay, you are embarassing me and yourself"
Dude:- "Alright alright, don't shout, am going, bye.make sure you call me"
(Drives off, but stops shortly in front to help a lady in tight jeans get to her destination:afterall its his civic duty to see that ladies don't get burnt by the sun or beaten by the rain..he is not daunted by your refusal)
Need I say more?.Warning:Be careful what ride you accept, the tales one hears now are blood curdling, especially all those guys that are desperate to make money...if you are a chronic free rider..only go for old men who you can at least drag the steering with..just saying..I have a friend in UniLag who has never raised her hand up and brought it down without a car screeching to a halt..But that's a story for anoda time..

4.The Banker or the office guys- Am busy throughout the week, this work is killing me, I have no time for myself...these are few complaints you get from them..Its a known fact that bankers are womanisers, where they get the time is what bothers me..I had a married man who was asking me out..he worked in a bank and had a loving wife and two kids..but he still managed to drive down from island to see me whenever i beckoned..If not for the fear of God and my future marriage..I would have taken his wife's number and let her know how useless he is..Another banker-toaster was so busy he only had time to see me on saturday, but that was if I could come to his friends' flat..what happened to even wining and dining? What happened to his own crib? When did relationship become all about Wham Bam..hello..bam bam.gtg..nah I would rather the self employed..I heard bankers are stingy anyways.hmmm.

5.The Smoker- this particular one is a friend's tale to tell..when she met him, he was the most irritating person she had ever seen..he chained smoke and took a wrap of weed once in a while..he was black and short on good looks..Today they are the closest couple have seen around..under all that smoke was a shy, sensitive and cool guy who really couldnt say much around ladies..but since he managed to stammer his way into her heart,a pack a day became too much..Whoever said "never judge a book by its cover" was obviously his mother.

Plain Gals Talk...

A normal yahoo chat conversation between two friends ##### and $$$$$..At least it started out normal and went crazy from there..If you are have been reading my blog you can feel in some gaps...I have done my best not to touch anything except edit the names involved..
WARNING: The conversation you are about to read contains some dirty and plain language..if you are below 16, am sorry..but you have to grow up sometime...
Thursday, April 17,2008
YAHOO MESSENGER

$$$$$: bebe
#####: oti o
#####: tani mori yi
#####: $$$$$$$
$$$$$: lol
$$$$$: how far now
$$$$$: whats going on
#####: mo wa
#####: kilonsele
$$$$$: ko si oh
$$$$$: school is just really stressful
#####: pele
$$$$$: ko easy
#####: u wey u suppose dey serve with us now
#####: boya zamfara lo ba wa
$$$$$: lai lai
$$$$$: coming from outside nigeria, you get to choose where u want to serve
#####: ahhh
#####: even den
#####: ur eye go still see for camp
$$$$$: ehn den i will choose lag
$$$$$: am not an aje butter now, i'll hustle
$$$$$: hussle
#####: lag sef
#####: wel lag camp na soso enjoyment
$$$$$: for real
$$$$$: i can't wait to go to camp
$$$$$: so kilon shele
$$$$$: awon bys nko
$$$$$: boys
#####: won wa
#####: i dey find husband now
#####: not boyfriend
$$$$$: oga oh
$$$$$: God would help you with ur mission
#####: u nko
#####: al d guys wey correct dat i meet
$$$$$: nothing dey happen
#####: if not ibo den muslim
#####: and i cnt marry muslim
$$$$$: lol
$$$$$: na wa oh
#####: bt to leave dat guy hard
#####: just too caring
$$$$$: well me am not even looking for common boyfriend
#####: wat are u lukin for
#####: LOVER
$$$$$: nothing
#####: lol
$$$$$: at all oh
#####: mehn all that relationship thing is stress
#####: too much
#####: me wey i no even like to dey hang wit boy for longa dan 2hrs
#####: dem dey tire
#####: me
$$$$$: lol
$$$$$: abi oh
$$$$$: there arent any good boys for my side sef
$$$$$: so i am not too worried
#####: wel chill
#####: beta boys dey naija
$$$$$: so i hear
#####: at least dem still get sense
#####: not like al dos jand boys tryn to ayaj as many pussies as dey can
#####: bone guy for dere oh
$$$$$: lol
$$$$$: wo na them sabi abeg
$$$$$: so who do u know that is our mate that is getting married, cos thats the in thing now
#####: well
#####: i dunt know
#####: dem get boyf sef wey u dey talk marriage
#####: maybe y****** is close sha
#####: dat o**** wey just deu fool herself
$$$$$: oh yea was even chatting with e**** yesterday
$$$$$: please who is she with
#####: and did u hear wedding bells ring
$$$$$: still that same t**** girl
#####: still fooling herself ova dat t****
$$$$$: no at all oh, e**** wey dey come do masters for sept
#####: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
$$$$$: wot
#####: mi o mo oh
#####: bt dey are still strong sha
$$$$$: yea they are
$$$$$: well i think its still coded am not sure,but he told me he is coming in sept
#####: okkkkkkkkkkk
$$$$$: so any gist whats happening for ur side
#####: nuttin much
#####: i just lay low for my side
#####: i dey teach english,lit n computer
#####: dey neva see omowe b4
#####: dem wan kill me
$$$$$: lol..na wa oh. for which village be this
#####: ikenne.;ilu awolowo
#####: in ogun
$$$$$: seen
#####: bawo now
#####: o******* nko
$$$$$: him dey oh
$$$$$: still saw him last weekend
#####: oh good
#####: i believe dat afro has gone to rest
$$$$$: it has not oh..its even worse sef
#####: ahhhhh
#####: but at least he shaves his beard
$$$$$: ojebi
$$$$$: y****** a***** nko?
$$$$$: do u see her often
#####: nope
#####: av not seen her in like 4yrs
$$$$$: are u for real
#####: yes i am
$$$$$: lol
$$$$$: t*** v****** nko...o ti pe ti mo ti gburo e
#####: o wambe
#####: awon ti ife
$$$$$: abi oh
$$$$$: can't wait to see you guys this year and u better have my time this time around
#####: o gal
#####: am waiting for u
#####: na me n u go rock lagos
$$$$$: na so oh
#####: infact i don even get guy for u sef lol
$$$$$: lol..who is this guy ih
$$$$$: i hope he is fine
#####: emi awa fun e ni ugly guy
#####: laiye laiye
$$$$$: mo gbo e oh
#####: gbaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
$$$$$: there is this guy am talking to right now although am not ready for a relationship but within the next few months, something might just happen.
$$$$$: so i might have a boyfriend by then
#####: hmmm
#####: ko da ise oluwa duro
$$$$$: ise esu
#####: ni emi abi
$$$$$: wasup
#####: nibo lo wa
#####: anyway u are always talkin to a guy and den
$$$$$: library
#####: i hear nuttin
#####: shey kin fun ni oko ni london
$$$$$: u are not serious
$$$$$: oko wo lo fe fumi ni london
#####: aahhh
#####: ma try mi oh
#####: shey kin fix e bai bai
$$$$$: ehn now
$$$$$: no wahala
#####: ok oh
$$$$$: no one razz bobo oh
#####: what INSULT
$$$$$: lol
$$$$$: oya sorry
#####: hmm
$$$$$: wot
#####: mi n razz bobos don part since 2004
$$$$$: ture oh wetin happen to dat bobo dat used to come and sit in ur room in queens hal all the time
#####: cnt remember any bobo frm 100l
#####: light guy like dis abi
$$$$$: yes
#####: ahh
#####: dat guy cn suck breast
$$$$$: lol
$$$$$: lol
#####: seriously
#####: dat was al he did
#####: kiss kiss n suck suc
#####: he wasnt al dat gud wit d kisses bt he will just latch on to my tiny booby de
$$$$$: lol
$$$$$: thats too funny
#####: seriously
#####: no one knew wat i was goin thru
$$$$$: what were u going thru oh
#####: it was heaven on earth
#####: and den
#####: tryin
#####: to keep
#####: urself frm havn sex
#####: it was crazy
$$$$$: and have u managed to fall into the whole sex thing now
#####: lol
#####: dats a tricky question
$$$$$: why
$$$$$: u are a v sturvs or not..simple question
#####: why are u so desperate to know
#####: i have a phobia for sex
#####: and an eye for good foreplay
$$$$$: why do u have a phobia for sex
$$$$$: lol
#####: my first boyf dat attempted to enter had a curved dick and dint manage to enter well,inspite of his so called verbal experience
#####: it was painful bt he dint manage to do it
#####: we were att it for hours
$$$$$: lol
$$$$$: lol
$$$$$: lmao
$$$$$: na wa oh...werent u turned off at some point,being at it for hours is a helluva long time
#####: at first i was wet
#####: den super dry
#####: for months afta dat
#####: i cldnt get turned on
$$$$$: lol
#####: i broke up with him afta dat
#####: he still wants us to get back
$$$$$: eya poor guy
#####: he wants to finish d butchering
$$$$$: o no one has taken over from where he left off
#####: but i dnt tink he cn ever turn me on again
#####: oh gal
$$$$$: lol
#####: d ting just hard me oh
#####: and my body dey find am but to clear dat tin
#####: na wahala
$$$$$: i dont get..now am lost
#####: ode ni e ni
$$$$$: lol
#####: d flesh is weak but am scared
$$$$$: when u are speaking pidgin and am trying hard to dechiper
#####: i asked a doctor if i cld clear it medically
$$$$$: well then u dont have problems
#####: abi obo ni e ni
#####: wen did pidgin bcum hard
$$$$$: lol..
$$$$$: am sure its about getting the guy that turns u on big time
#####: super big time
#####: wit a straight n smalldick
$$$$$: i know the right person
#####: u will inaki
$$$$$: huh
#####: who?
#####: i tink u saw d small part
$$$$$: dont worry let december come
#####: lol
#####: ok so i shld kip in mind dat december am goin to have sex.lol
$$$$$: yes keep in mind
$$$$$: good sex for that matter
#####: personal experience?
$$$$$: he is my friend, he lives in jand and is always in naija for xmas as well so dont worry i'll hook u up but there are no strings attached
#####: lol
$$$$$: no catching of feelings
#####: i go run frm u december
#####: blieve me
$$$$$: kilode
#####: i swear if u breathe dat am a virgin to any1
#####: ill kill u
#####: nt even to t***
#####: ma pa eh
$$$$$: well i still am so its not a big deal
$$$$$: the whole sex thing doesnt trip me
#####: jo
#####: if u hear me speak here
#####: ull undastand
#####: as far as am concerned am d baddest
$$$$$: trust me i dont think so
$$$$$: when it comes to quaves...yea i love it but one minute am all excited and the next i want to sleep
#####: lol
#####: sleep
#####: sleep sef small,
#####: u neva claim malaria b4
$$$$$: lol..how
#####: my boyf is ingenious
#####: he has found ways to satisfy himself
#####: he is always coming and i wonder if he is not a fan of premature ejaculatn
#####: anytin i do he ll oh mi god oh migod
$$$$$: i love being quaved but when it comes to me quaving the guy, i back out. once my excitment has died down, thats it for the guy oh
$$$$$: lol
$$$$$: lol
#####: stingy
#####: ko da ko da
#####: sanu ori
#####: abi sanu d***
$$$$$: i know but its too bad
$$$$$: i bet he can find other ways to satisfy himself when am gone
#####: lol
#####: like wat
#####: hand skidding
$$$$$: wanking
$$$$$: lol
#####: ahahahaa
#####: lol
#####: lol
#####: wankin with mojo
#####: lol
#####: guys dey always have dat ting
$$$$$: i dont know
#####: on phone unda d rug
#####: in d kitchen
$$$$$: whatever thats his own problem
#####: dey are all sex perverts
$$$$$: there was some guy i quaved and he didnt come and then he was like oh that he'll satisfy himself
#####: no he didnt
#####: bastard
$$$$$: and then i was like how..he said well he'll just do the hand job himself
$$$$$: and i said ok, i'll like to watch
$$$$$: it was quite disgusting,i almost threw up.
$$$$$: lying there and a guy making all those noises just by touching himself????
$$$$$: that sucks
#####: $$$$$ am dead
$$$$$: y?
#####: am embarrassing myself in d cafe
$$$$$: lol
$$$$$: how
#####: no be wetin u want see be dat
#####: d guy is an idiot
$$$$$: nah i don't think i'll want to again
$$$$$: i was quite upset
#####: is his hand betadan urs
#####: y did u want to see in d first place
#####: eeewwwwwwwwwww
$$$$$: curiousity
#####: did he come on his own hand
$$$$$: i didnt watch that part oh
$$$$$: where else did he want to come..on my body?
#####: maybe on ur breast
#####: lollllllllllllll
$$$$$: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
#####: lol
#####: or on ur face
$$$$$: please
$$$$$: am getting sick
#####: nw u licking it n al dat will get him off again
#####: lol
#####: it ll make u fresh lol
$$$$$: abeg jo
$$$$$: for me once am satisfied thats it.i dont care about the guy
$$$$$: sometimes i feel bad but then once am turned off i find it difficult to even touch the guy
#####: oh gal evendat satisfaction dos nt cum easily
#####: its like am in a race i have to get dere b4 him
#####: cos once he is dere dey bcum useless
$$$$$: true
#####: and d tin bcums extr tiny
#####: bt den wen i get dere he cn do anytin
#####: at times he is even d one holding my hand
#####: he brings d cream and al dat cos my heart is neva in it
$$$$$: why?
$$$$$: lol
#####: why wat?
$$$$$: lol
$$$$$: does he hold ur hand?
#####: yeah cos he wa nts it faster and my wrist wld av been paining me
#####: his eyes will be closed and i ll jst be staring at d ceiling or rolling my eyeballs or just rubbin his head
#####: d day i discoverd his balls i tink d session bcame shorter
$$$$$: lol
$$$$$: lol
$$$$$: lol
$$$$$: thats too funny
$$$$$: poor boy
#####: yeah yeah
#####: dnt pity him oh
$$$$$: why now
#####: u are nt dere when in d morning or afta drinkin it takes him like an hour to get off
#####: ibo dem hard pass yoruba
$$$$$: i no sabi
#####: ahh in d morning d guy will wake me up with bad erection
#####: lookin at me with pleading eyes
#####: cos he knows i like my sleep
$$$$$: lol
#####: blieve me
#####: ti 7 ko ba knack
#####: d guy neva rest
#####: i like bt wen we start havin sex is it d way he is thrusting into my hand dat he will enter mi
#####: o ma pa mi
$$$$$: the last guy for me he said his dick was hard all through the night and woke me up in the middle of the night
$$$$$: i wanted to slap him
#####: its u nah
$$$$$: brb

She came back but there had been enough time to get back to cleaner sturvs...

hmmph

I know I said I like it small but not that small..not pint size..hmmpffhh

Naija Muziqcians

Am not too much a big fan of music,but since i love to dance and am a good dancer at that{check me out this friday} :its always important for me to keep abreast of the music industry. Recently, I have actually been buying instead of pilfering other people's cd's...and I just want to mention a few here..These are albums released in the past one year..new names and old ones..groups and solos...

STYL PLUS- someone told me their new album wasn't worth it, but I always like to have my own opinion so I got my copy yesterday and endeavoured to listen to it..I have not stopped since then..Apart from my HUSTLE DVD..thats my best buy this week..I have a bad habit of picking a favourite song and actually neglecting the ones after it..so I have only actually stopped at track 6.. 'Four years', 'if you go', 'Mi o ba e sere mo' and 'I no wan trouble' are nice but my best is still 'Beautiful ladies'..The album may not be as catchy as the last one but it is cool for the suave.

ROOFTOPMCs-not my best of naija duos but "SILENCE" is just my flavour..."razz"..Lagi mo feat Cobhams is good music to my ear and I honestly must say Cobhams eyes would just have been an accessory..he is awesome.Which brings me to "Miss Jailer"

ASA- nobody needs to tell you she is doing well..I don't know which got more popularity between her album and Alapomeji's..but I must commend her for packing an album full of tight music..she doesnt just entertain like most of our so called musicians..ASA MAKES GOOD MUSIC...settled in France, she seems to me more like an International star with Nigerian roots and she needs no cannabis to give me the crazy look I love..All her tracks are engraved in my skull but "AWE" is just my best..360 and Subway also great for me..My brother is still single oh incase..

9ice- I am going for a "night with 9ice" even if I am grounded for a year..thats to show what is reigning..Since he has gone and married..I won't want to wax sentimental but what he lacks in look to me he makes for in local n razzy..I have a friend who can't function without listening to 9ice first thing in the morning..just as coffee is to some so is 9ice to Kemizole...

LARA GEORGE- I actually bought this album thinking she was the one that did "Heritage" but the album grew on me after some repeated playing (to justify my 150)..my best track is "Forever in my heart" remix ft Cobhams Asuquo...and that song does get to me..The other songs are just there..

IKECHUKWU-Is he still with Storms Record or is he now with Mo Hits cos their parole have really entered each other..he shows up in their videos(and almost every other artist's)..wine am well is ok(and dat lady did whine oh)..he is not exactly the best rap artist but his rhymes are ok even though his lyrics are not dat deep..just peripheral and its all about the kokolets..his videos though are becoming more of a Mo Hits affair and am not very comfortable with that.

NAETO C-What is his P? I don't know what the fuss is about him but he doesn't really click with me..By the way is he Ikechukwu's brother? They share the same head structure.

BANKY W- of the Wellington boots..y didn't they let him sing Ebutte Metta at this day festival,maybe Rhianna would have acknowles82ldged his remix..The whole album doesn't really appeal to me and seems to me he may be trying to lean on the fineboy singing R n B thingy(he reminds me of Craig David,who is much better though) and that is cliche..

N:B- On a totally unrelated note,am I the only one who has noticed the heartfelt look of love on Peter or is it Paul's face in The Video"Ifunanya"..the one with the white durag on that was twisting with the girl..I heard one of them is dating the girl..i dont know whether its true oh but with their cute faces, Physique and wallet I wish it was me.To Be Continued**********